Entanglements

I have never been in love with Nigeria and for the longest time i always wanted to travel out.

I didn't even care what country,as long as it wasn't Nigeria.

Overtime our relationship grew worse and it extended to my personal life.

By personal life,i meant the people i dated.

The people i felt i was in love with.

They had this typical Nigerian mindset i couldn't deal with and the cycle of breakups made me conclude just maybe..i'm meant to be with a white guy.

The relationship became so toxic that i had to become the bigger person and end it

so i broke up with Nigeria.

Even though i ended the relationship i still felt Nigeria failed me,

i felt betrayed.

I didn't choose to be in this relationship,Nigeria choose me via my parent so obviously our love was and had to be transactional: if you meet my needs then i love you,if you don't then i don't.

So when the opportunity for me to travel out came i took it without hesitation even when i didn't particularly love medicine.

i thought;

it can't be that bad,i can study medicine as long as it isn't in Nigeria

4 years in Ukraine,i met my fellow Africans and without hesitation i broke up with Nigeria's family;Africa

I guess i make a lot of hasty decisions.

A child gets hurt

A child makes a mistake

A child fails a class

and instead of connecting with our emotional side 

the child is beaten in addition to the wound he or she already got

the child is emotionally tortured and made to feel it is abnormal to make mistakes

the child is ridiculed for failing and made to live with insecurities.

  

Now the child is punished for being a child

forgetting every single drop accumulates to make an ocean

every punishment accumulates to become emotional withdrawal

so when a serious thing like rape occurs

they can't communicate their feelings because the only form of communication they know ends with judgement coined as love

they only form of communication they know is punishment manipulated as love.

 This creeps in to their lives as the grow so they punish themselves for making a mistake

sometimes so bad they can't rise from it.

Among all the things i detested about being a Nigerian,the way children were brought up topped the list.

Imagine my frustration when i realized it wasn't just a Nigerian thing,it was an African thing.

You can argue that you turned out fine

maybe you did

but really

Did you? 

Emotional withdrawal,lack of trust,insecurities,fear of missing out,needing validation,low self esteem,lack of self confidence among others all seem to be your mother tongue.

Let me take you back to 2018

i'm 20 years old

its a late October evening in hostel 6 Vinnytsa

where i suddenly decided not to have a child

because i'm scared of the culture i grow up with but most importantly i'm terrified of the mindset or way of life i might have unconsciously embedded.

Our parent saw their parent approach things in a certain manner and they copied because they didn't know better

we know better but we will still copy our parent because we have refused to first of all agree we need help

we have refused to work on ourselves

we have refused to accept we lack exposure and destroy learned habit

we have refused to grow out of a way of life that seemed like it served our fathers

we are so rigid in things that destroy us slowly

we have become a community that stabilizes backwardness as a way of life because it's an African thing but most of all because the possibility we see before us is what we become.

I wondered for a while why i acted the way i did but i met other Africans and realized there is a habit that unites all Africans

"being comfortable with letting others think for us"

We have refused to unlearn some traditions almost like we don't have any space for good information or better still out of unwarranted laziness. 

We have decided to equate every African thing as a way of life that should be passed on to generations and we are doing a great job.

Overtime we apply manicure on things that seem so aggressive but core beliefs are the same so repetition is a must.

2000 -2007,

We sang;we were the future

Our teachers told us we were the leaders of tomorrow.

You bet,i believed that too.

2020,the future is broken,sad,anxious,depressed,cannot communicate,emotionally detached,in a hurry to make it,has refused to heal and unlearn some archaic concepts,is ashamed to rise gradually,in a hurry to be competent so they refuse to delay gratification, hungry,short sighted and narrow minded.

2020 there is no tomorrow

because the future is still in the past singing matching songs

so we ridicule instead of celebrating

we compete instead of collaborating

we sabotage instead of supporting

we are so much in a hurry to make it so we skip due processes and end up unfulfilled.

we are so much in a hurry that we skip life to death while still breathing.

we are so much in a hurry so we match past tomorrow into yesterdays.

I have another story for you and in this one i'm still the main character.

The year is 2022,i fly into Abuja airport in Nigeria

i'm flying because i have graduated from medical school

to  God be the glory

and while you might think i want to write the MDCN and intern

i'm home because of my family and my boyfriend who happens to be Nigerian

yea,i'm just as surprised as you are.

Fast forward to my intern days and the people i'm supposed to learn from are ridiculously rude.

Who taught Africans being rude or harsh or just plain wicked equates to learning better?

what sort of mentality finds peace in suffering?

what sort of people glorify the idea of suffering?

what sort of people find solace in turbulence?

How long will we keep believing the hard way is usually the best way?

What sort of people disconnect from their emotional side and as my professor will say

"it's not because i hate you,i'm being strict for your sake"

No,say it as it is

i'm being rude,wicked and harsh because that's all i know

 maybe you will find out there is no justification for this act.

What could be her diagnosis slim girl with the dreads?

Because somehow my identity was centered around my dreadlocks.

uum,i think it is

no,you don't think

you are just supposed to know

you spent 6 years preparing for this

this is somebody's life you are dealing with

To be honest,i zoned out

i tend to do that a lot

i started wondering if this wasn't supposed to be a learning experience.

Suddenly i'm interrupted with a question.

Where did you even study young girl?

still trying to zone in

i said

vinnytsa medical university

vinnytsa,where

in Ogun state

no sir,in vinnytsa.

I already knew what will follow if i had mentioned Ukraine straight up,the least i could have done is delay the abuse

Is that a new state that has just been discovered?

he continued

no wonder you turned out thinking instead of knowing and answering

he said.

Vinnytsa is in Ukraine i muttered

i guess i was ready for any backlash

He looked at me with an i already knew it expression

as if that wasn't enough he took it upon himself to emotionally abuse me

which of course the rest of Africans see it as correction.

Fast forward to few years later,i'm the one ridiculing and abusing my interns.

I didn't like what was done to me but that was the only form of correction i knew and though i didn't like it,it was embedded in me subconsciously and i refused to unlearn it.

I knew better,i did 

i really did.

The year is 2026,cold Saturday morning

I'm in the closet trying to muster courage to approach my husband and let him know we should consider surrogate because i don't want to chant in my children's ear

"i carried you for nine months so you have to..."

Maybe if i don't carry them,i will see motherhood in a different way.

Today is my funeral

and on my tomb it is written

"she knew better but she refused to do better"

I died an African

I refused to unlearn old habit and see trauma as what it is

I refused to rise beyond my African mindset

I grew up not knowing better but eventually i did but i still allowed old habits to serve me wine

I taught my kids suffering was the way of life

I destroyed their self esteem with my unending words

I broke their confidence with my never ending nagging

I taught them it's better to be narrow minded and short sighted

I taught them to apply foundation on issues that involved their emotions because therapy isn't black enough.

I told them i did all this because of love

because i wanted the best for them

because i believed this was the best

and i ruined another generation

Another African generation lost.

As stated by Ghana's president

"Once African countries start taking themselves seriously

the world will follow"

but i took it a step closer and i say

once Africans start taking their mental health seriously

once Africans decides to unlearn old traditions and consciously heal from them

maybe,just maybe the world will be a better place

but more importantly

we would create a world where we Africans are more welcoming to each other

My story is incomplete

hopefully,i will stand here next year professing my love for Nigeria and Africa as a whole.

Thankyou.

So,i was supposed to present that at an event centered around Africa/Nigeria last year but i suddenly became shy and didn't participate and it has been in my notes for a while so why not post it.

With that being written

This is Dimensionsofgold 

and i am Emediong.